How Do Divorce Mediators Stay Neutral?
As divorce mediators, we talk a lot about our commitment to being neutral, but not everyone understands what that means. A common misconception is that being neutral means being indifferent or detached. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Neutrality isn’t about not caring, it’s about not taking sides. It’s about creating a space where both people are heard, respected, and empowered to reach an agreement.
In this video, one of our attorney-mediators, Josh Kershenbaum, breaks down what it means to be neutral and why this is beneficial for couples going through divorce mediation.
Transcript:
Josh Kershenbaum (0:00) Why Neutrality is Important for Divorce Mediation
So I think the first thing to say about neutrality is that there’s a lot of misconceptions about what it means. The most important thing to understand is that when a mediator says they’re neutral, it doesn’t mean that they don’t care. Neutrality does not mean indifference. Neutrality means that we’re not taking sides. We’re not putting our finger on the scale in favor of one spouse over the other. We’re not helping one spouse strategize or gain advantage over the other. Neutrality means that we view ourselves as neutral facilitators. We see that the focus of the mediation is the participants. They’re the ones who are creating the agreement. They’re the ones who know best what works for them and their families.
So when a mediator is neutral, a mediator is saying, you guys, you participants, you are the ones who matter. You’re the ones whose ideas matter. You’re the ones whose interests matter. It’s not about what the mediator thinks. It’s not about what the mediator thinks is right. It’s not about who the mediator thinks is, right? It’s about skillfully facilitating a conversation between two people.
Josh Kershenbaum (1:13) How Our Mediation Approach Keeps the Focus on You
So we do this in a couple of ways. First of all, we listen. We spend a lot of time listening to what people are saying and really trying to understand what’s important to them. We help them express their interest to each other. We keep the focus on them. Another way we stay neutral is by keeping everybody together in the room. I think this is something that we at New Hope do a little bit differently than many other mediators. In other mediation practices, it might be pretty common for the mediator to spend time talking with one participant in the room and then going and talking to the other participant in a different room. We don’t do that. Many mediators do, but what we find is that that puts too much of the focus on the mediator. It becomes more about the mediator brokering a deal between two parties rather than facilitating a conversation between the two parties. So we keep everybody in the room together at the same time.
Josh Kershenbaum (2:11) In Mediation, You Decide What is Right, We’re Just Here to Help You Get There
Another way that we stay neutral is by asking questions. We are curious. We are trying to ask good questions in the right way, at the right time to help the parties come to their own conclusions and focus on what’s really important to them. Another way that we stay neutral is by not giving advice, which may sound like a funny thing to hear from a mediator. You might be expecting that your mediator would somehow act as a referee or a decision maker, but actually that’s not what mediators do. Mediators are not decision makers.
We’re not there to say who is, right? Because in mediation it isn’t so much about who is right. It’s about reaching an agreement. It’s about the parties reaching an agreement between themselves, and they’re the ones that get to decide what’s right. So we don’t give advice, and in fact, we’re not allowed to give advice. We’re not allowed to give legal advice. So mediators are not allowed to give legal advice, even if, maybe even especially if the mediator also happens to be an attorney, which we are. Both of us are licensed attorneys, but we don’t practice law when we’re mediating. We’re not representing the participants who come to mediate with us. And this is a very important distinction, and it’s part of how we stay neutral. Part of staying neutral means not advising either party. And we do that by, again, by listening, by asking questions, by sharing information, but not helping either side against the other.